I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
