I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
