I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Randomize
