We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
