If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
