we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
