i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
