so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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