I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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