I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
