Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
