Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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