Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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