dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Your penis caused this!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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