Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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