I wish I could teleport
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
