Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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