why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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