so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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