Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize