Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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