My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
How does one acquire holy water?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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