Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
