So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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