and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
