Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
