it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
