The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize