It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
