it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
soo... how was my night?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
