oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
