Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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