my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
