One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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