Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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