My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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