Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
