i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
