Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize