i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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