did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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