Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
