my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
