just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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