You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
