how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
