Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
