"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
