i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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