yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Randomize
