im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
