when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Dear god my vagina.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize