Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
