i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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