Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
