I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We got so high we made milksteak
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
