dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
