I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
