I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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