My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
