I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize