Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
